i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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