the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
