Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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