the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
