Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
