If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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