You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
