I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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