The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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