as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Randomize
