I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
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You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
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i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker