thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love