cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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