make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
