I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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