Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea