Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
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No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
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Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
No idea. I blame fireball.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it