My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
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After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
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Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach