Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
