Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
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