Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Randomize
