Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(248): View more from Michigan

the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.

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(646): View more from New York

We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday

(1-646): View more from New York

mom would be proud

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(313): View more from Michigan

I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH

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(914): View more from New York

If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...

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(519): View more from Ontario

I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.

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