you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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