Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
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