fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
