Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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