I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
