Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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