I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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