I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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