I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
