Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
