We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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