So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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