hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
