so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
