it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
