and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
