I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
