I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
