I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
