took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
