Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
