You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm like, not good at living.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
