Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
