She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
