Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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