dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
