so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
