two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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