i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
