Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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