Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.