If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
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