The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
