Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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